OK, So, Now What?

Guess I’m done with my bachelor’s degree. A couple follow up calls to make sure the transcripts get to U, and that’s it. So now what?

I remember walking home from school in fourth grade and asking Billy Anders if he was going to go to college, and he said yes, he was. Me too, I said. That was fourteen years ago. Now I’m done. So now what? What do I do now that I’ve accomplished a task that’s consistently been looming in my subconscious for eight years?

Easy. I realize that a bachelor’s degree in English isn’t all that impressive and go study for the GRE.

Long Live Pills

I love pills. Pills are a gift from the gods. Long live pills.

Pills help me sleep, pills help me calm down, pills help me stay happy, and pills help my heartburn go away.

I take pills to dislodge my mucus, pills to help my digestion work better, pills to raise my HDL cholesterol, and pills to ease the pain of headaches.

I enjoy taking pills that fortify my digestive tract, pills that contain vitamins and minerals, pills to help my eyesight improve, and pills that boost my immune system.

I love my pills that help my hair grow more full and thick, pills that make my fingernails more sturdy and healthy, pills that help the cartilage in my ears form in a manner congruent to the shape of my head, pills that increase my ability to memorize new fractions and vocabulary words for the GRE, and pills that open up my third eye to the secrets of the 5th and 6th dimensions.

I can’t live without my pills that make green look blue, wrong look right, and meat smell like a rolling meadow of wildflowers and blueberries. I must have my pills that make all my food taste like minty chocolaty goodness and turn every word I read into a smiling, singing song that jumps up and gives my heart a warm, hearty hug.

I love my pills. I need my pills. I live to praise and serve them. Don’t you?

Consider the Egg

Eggs. Aren’t they weird? I mean, when you really think about it?

Practically on a daily basis, we are all eating chicken ovums surrounded by layers of membranes, cracked free from their outer casing. Strange when you stop to think about it.

And yet they are so delicious, so good for you, and so versatile as a means of cooking. Since embarking on my mission of counting my calories and shrinking my slightly-less-rotund tum, I have eaten a lot of eggs. Egg whites, actually. An interesting thing about eggs is that the most yummy bit, the vitellus (yolk), is full of cholesterol. 70% of your daily intake, which is a lot. So I just eat the albumen (white). Less delicious, but a lot better for my cholesterol, which has dropped significantly since I gave up meat and started eating only egg albumens.

So, the next time you’re cooking up a meal or thinking of a snack, consider the egg. High in protein and taste, these little oval ovums won’t let you down.

Happy Tofurky Day

Two nice young ladies from PETA were at the corner of Broadway and Park this week, handing out free Tofurkys to all that passed by. I grabbed two, and with them will recognize my first Thanksgiving as a pesco-ovo-vegetarian.

"Why are you a vegetarian?" many people ask me when they discover me passing on the bacon or munching on a Boca burger. "For health reasons, or . . . otherwise?" It's the "otherwise" they hope I won't bring up. No one wants to hear a rant from one of those tree-hugging, polyester-wearing hippie freaks that hold secret meetings in dark rooms, munching on tofu burritos and deciding which pork proccessing plant to set fire to next. If I wanted to get a good reaction of them, I would say "to avoid the condemnation of the Almighty." But I usually just pat my slightly less round tummy and say "so I won't die."

We've been meatless since July, and have no regrets. Since eliminating almost all sugar and counting my calories carefully as well, I have lost 13 pounds in a month. So it is indeed worth it. The only hard part is that meat tastes really, really, deliciously good. But it's that or unclogged arteries, and I'll take the latter.

[MY PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE OF CHOICE] for President

Editor's note: This article has been run through The Best of Times’s new non-partisan censorship machine.

I sure am excited about the upcoming presidential election. That is because I am confident that [my presidential candidate of choice] is going to win the election.

I like [my presidential candidate of choice] because he stands for [this particular item of political action] and is tired of the [certain type of political action] people like [a different politician] stand for. He wants to [engage in a certain political practice] as well, which I am all about because [a particular political situation] is in dire need of [a certain type of treatment] in order for [a certain part of the American public] to experience [a specific benefit].

I am sure that all members of the GG subscribership agree with me in thinking that [my presidential candidate of choice] possesses the [positive attribute], [specific type of personality], and [particular brand of character] necessary to excel as president of the United States. Join me in rocking the vote next week, and we will all come out as winners (except for [the presidential candidate I in no way support], of course)!

It's Time to Admit That Superman Isn't That Cool

I think the time has come for all honest, free thinking individuals everywhere to admit to themselves and each other that the comic book character Superman isn’t actually all that cool.

Sure, he’s had his own comic book legacy, feature films, TV shows, cartoons, lunch boxes and underpants permeating the public subconscious for over 70 years. He’s one of the most recognizable fictional characters of all time and he’s made a lot of people a lot of millions of dollars.

But did any of us stop to take into account the ridiculousness of his suit, the flatness of his character, and the ease at which he conquers the problems of the world?

Most other superheroes have one or two special powers. They can walk turn invisible or walk through walls. Other superheroes (the coolest ones, in my opinion) have no superpowers at all – simply smarts and resources, like Batman and Iron Man. But Superman’s super powers? He’s faster than anyone, stronger than anyone, can fly, can blow freezing air, can melt anything with his eyes, and can see through anything.

Oh, and he can’t die.

Don’t sing me a song about lead and kryptonite, his supposed “weaknesses.” They’ve posed no real threat to him. In reality, Superman is a Superflat, Superbloated, Superboring character that needs to retire, Superfast.

Stuff that in your stockings, Mr. Kent.