Switches are for Switching

I was looking for a part time job my freshman year in college, and running the computer lab seemed like a pretty good prospect. All the guy did was sit at a desk and roam the internet. If someone had a problem with their computer, he would just jiggle the mouse and tell them to restart it.

I paced around the guy’s desk as I talked to him about the job. Often when I am engaged in conversation or thinking about something my appendages go on autopilot. The lab clattered with the typing of keys and the clicking of mice as the 60-plus students inside worked busily on papers an projects. As the guy checked something on his computer, my eyes—and hands—wandered to a large switch behind his desk. It looked like a light switch, only larger and illuminated in red.

Ah, a switch, my subconscious mind thought. Switches are for switching. I will switch this switch and see what happens.

The lab exploded with gasps and groans as every computer in the room turned off and then on again. Every computer except that of the guy running the lab. I flushed and hurried toward the door, knowing that if I was discovered I would be lynched by an angry mob of student’s whose hard work had been forever expunge by my negligence.

“Where are you going?” the guy asked, bewildered and yet unaware of the J.Clark-induced blackout. “Don’t you want to talk about the job?”

“There’s a thing, and uh, I’ve got to go somewhere, so uh, bye!” I stammered. I dashed out the lab and across the campus and all the way home, positive that a posse of bloodthirsty college kids was on my trail, wielding keyboards and mice.

Switches are for switching indeed. If only I could switch off my wandering hands.

“YOU JUST WANT YOUR WUM-WUM-WUM!”

Context is a funny thing. Take it out of a conversation, and something you say can suddenly become nonsensical, hilarious, incriminating, or creepy. I have a collection of such quotes, taken from real life experiences. Please enjoy this selection:

“I woke up with a pregnant craving last night.” –J.Clark Gardner

“I’m thinking about robbing a 7-11.” –Ken Krackenburg

“Right in the chapel!” –Emily Millet

“Did you want to see if any seats were still open at the House of Sin?” -Peter Menskink

“A Chaldean kid threw an apple at her mowhawk or something.” –Young David Love

“No, no one’s going to ask you to pose naked.” –Anon

“Well, that’s dangerous.” “What’s dangerous?” “A Nissan full of balloons.” –Two guys

“Did you want to make an ascent into the loft?” –Nathan Higham

“I mean I just don’t think I could ever drink turtle blood.” –J.Clark Gardner

“You just want your wum-wum-wum!” –Mike Holyoak

Study these quotes. Ponder them. Construct situations wherein they would make sense, and role-play them. It’s fun. And start keeping your own collection of strange quotes. They may develop into a valuable novel or screenplay someday.

641 Miles to Tom Petty

This August, my wife and I are going to drive 641 miles and across three states to see Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers live in concert. Well, I’m going to the concert. She’s not a fan of Tom Petty, so she’ll probably be reading by the pool or treasure hunting at old book stores.

Does such a journey sound strange to you? Does it sound obsessive or pathetic? I’m not sure what people will make of such an action. All I know is—and I say this to Lindsay all the time—when you’re me, and you like something, you’ve got to embrace it. And embrace it I will, at the Gorge Amphitheatre in George, Washington on August 15^th.

I enjoy Tom Petty’s music more than any other group or artist. The effortless melodies, exceptional musicianship, and reflective lyrics have created the perfect soundtrack to my life. I even named my comic strip, Learning to Fly, after one of his songs.

With all the mindless, corrosive, and rotten drivel that is churned out under the label of entertainment these days, you’ve got to hold fast to an artist like Tom Petty. For over 30 years he has paid no mind to the greed and fads of the music industry and contributed priceless material to the art form. And I’ve got to experience at least a taste of it in person during my—and his—lifetime.

Big Glugs

My wife and I affectionately call servings of soda “glugs.” I’m not sure how it came about, but it’s the perfect word for them. I’m certain that if the folks at 7-11 called them Big Glugs instead of Big Gulps there would be more 7-11 stores that Wal-Marts.

Glugs are quite possibly the strongest point of dissonance between Lindsay and me. I am currently engaged in an effort I call “Bringing Back the Bump” (shedding the weight I gained since our wedding), and Lindsay is convinced that the diet glugs I drink are hindering my progress. The only thing I am convinced of is that I like the way the taste, the fizzy bubbles, the different flavors, and the way it feels in my mouth.

For a while I decided I was “off glugs,” meaning I didn’t drink them anymore. But there was a hole in my heart in the shape of a 20 oz bottle of Diet Dr. Pepper and I re-embraced their bubbly friendship after a few days. Then I decided I was “over glugs,” meaning I’m no longer in love with them, but still hang out with them a lot.

The more I think about it, the more I realize it’s a pretty messed up deal. It’s like I tell my friends: I’m not addicted to glugs. I just like them a lot and need to drink them all the time.