Clang! Another drawer handle falls to the floor.
It doesn’t seem likely that Billy Mays actually uses all the products he shouts about on those mini infomercials. And yet he comes across as so sincere. Oxi-Clean, the Awesome Aug, the Hercules Hook…he touts their innovation, reliability, and effectiveness so well, you’d think he’d have a garage full of these ground-breaking tools and solutions that he makes use of regularly.
Clang! Except for that blasted Mighty Putty.
After over an hour of sawdust, bent screws, and broken drill bits, I realized I needed help installing the drawer and cabinet handles in the kitchen. And then I remembered Mighty Putty. Billy Mays used it to install a shelf that held over a hundred pounds, build a chain that lifted cinderblocks, and connect a pulley that pulled a semi truck. Surely it would secure handles to cabinetry. Just cut it, knead it, apply, and let dry.
Clang! Or not.
I bet I could remove the sticky residue it leaves with Easy Off Bam!, though.
Jul 31, 2008
Why I Don't Have a Dog
Arfie? Arfie! There you are boy! How are you, huh little fella? Ooh, what do you have there? Arfie, is that my…? Arfie, no! NO! Put that down, Arfie! NO. NO. Quiet! NO.
NO.
NO, Arfie. That’s not a good boy. That is NOT a good boy. No. That’s right, put it down. There’s a good—no! No, Arfie. Arfie? Quiet, Arfie. Quiet. Good boy.
There now. Wait, what’s that? Arfie! Look what you did! NO, Arfie! NO. That’s naughty! Now I have to clean that up! Bad dog, Arfie! Bad! Quiet! Quiet, Arfie! No! Quiet! NO. NO. Arfie? Arfie? That’s right.
Now where’s that rag? Arfie! NO! Bad dog! Give it back, Arfie! Give it back! NO! NO! NO! Quiet! NO!
Arfie, NO! Quiet! Bad! NO! NO! Quiet! No! Get down from there! Get off! NO!
NO! Bad! NO! Arfie! Arfie? There you go. Quiet! NO! That’s right. Good boy.
You’re such a good boy, Arfie.
*With no intended offense to any beloved dogs, nor their humans. Just fun.
NO.
NO, Arfie. That’s not a good boy. That is NOT a good boy. No. That’s right, put it down. There’s a good—no! No, Arfie. Arfie? Quiet, Arfie. Quiet. Good boy.
There now. Wait, what’s that? Arfie! Look what you did! NO, Arfie! NO. That’s naughty! Now I have to clean that up! Bad dog, Arfie! Bad! Quiet! Quiet, Arfie! No! Quiet! NO. NO. Arfie? Arfie? That’s right.
Now where’s that rag? Arfie! NO! Bad dog! Give it back, Arfie! Give it back! NO! NO! NO! Quiet! NO!
Arfie, NO! Quiet! Bad! NO! NO! Quiet! No! Get down from there! Get off! NO!
NO! Bad! NO! Arfie! Arfie? There you go. Quiet! NO! That’s right. Good boy.
You’re such a good boy, Arfie.
*With no intended offense to any beloved dogs, nor their humans. Just fun.
J.Clark-Con 2008
I’m in my hotel suite right now, toasting to what I believe has been the most successful J.Clark-Con yet. Thousands of adoring fans came from all around the globe to get a snapshot with me, have me sign a “Second to One” Comic Anthology, or participate in the question and answer panel about my vast experience in the film, book, and television industries.
Of course, I wasn’t the only attraction. Almost the entire cast of my first film, “Raising the Boy,” managed to make it for a DVD signings and a stage presentation. Also, the voice actors and the animation supervisors for the “Bowen in Space” trilogy based on my best-selling novels gave a fun and informative workshop about the making of the films and the success it brought to their careers.
Probably the biggest event was the announcement of a “Learning to Fly” reunion special that will air this fall. Unfortunately, because of the bad blood between the cast members that caused Roland to leave the show midway the third season, only some of the actors from the were able to make it for the announcement and signings that followed. TV cameras, were, however, able to catch the touching reunion of the actors that played Clyde and Daphne, their first since the show ended. We are still hopeful that Roland will come around, but nothing has been solidified.
Thanks to all of you fans that made it. And if you didn’t, don’t worry. Footage of the question and answer panels and some of the behind-the-scenes discussion will be available in the special edition boxed set entitled “J.Clark: The Definitive Story,” which will be in stores early next year.
Of course, I wasn’t the only attraction. Almost the entire cast of my first film, “Raising the Boy,” managed to make it for a DVD signings and a stage presentation. Also, the voice actors and the animation supervisors for the “Bowen in Space” trilogy based on my best-selling novels gave a fun and informative workshop about the making of the films and the success it brought to their careers.
Probably the biggest event was the announcement of a “Learning to Fly” reunion special that will air this fall. Unfortunately, because of the bad blood between the cast members that caused Roland to leave the show midway the third season, only some of the actors from the were able to make it for the announcement and signings that followed. TV cameras, were, however, able to catch the touching reunion of the actors that played Clyde and Daphne, their first since the show ended. We are still hopeful that Roland will come around, but nothing has been solidified.
Thanks to all of you fans that made it. And if you didn’t, don’t worry. Footage of the question and answer panels and some of the behind-the-scenes discussion will be available in the special edition boxed set entitled “J.Clark: The Definitive Story,” which will be in stores early next year.
Jul 21, 2008
People That Aren't People But Are Still Real
In my life there are people that aren’t real, but are still real. They have been created through a series of chance circumstances in my psyche and the psyches of others. And they become real. And I talk about them as if they are real. Is that weird?
A great example is Phil. You may have read some of Phil’s stories, columns or emails. He is a fictional character originally created by my brother Joel, but in later years taken over by me. His primary occupation used to be a email newsletter he called the “Periodical Newsletter of Fellow Fellows,” or PLoFF. He then proceeded to write a fantasy novel, articles for the GG, and is now the GG movie critic with his column “Movie Reviews from the Phil Philes.” He has his own personality, life story, quirks, and problems. He is very confident, naïve, impulsive, and oblivious to social norms and cues. He is also terrible at grammar and spelling. When I refer to Phil, I refer to him in the third person, because in my mind he is a completely different person than Joel or me.
More examples are my stuffed cats Martin and Morton. Martin was given to me for Christmas in 8th grade is a part of the Great Gardner Kitty Kitty Kitten Invasion of 1996. Despite being growing, tough teenagers, Joel and I created very involved characters for our cats (his is named Caroo). They are both slightly dim (Martin more than Caroo), conceited, impatient with humans, and also terrible at grammar as well as counting. Martin got so worn out that I had to get an identical one named Morton many years later. You would think Morton would take on the same personality as Martin, but he is different for some reason. He is more patient, smart, and reserved that Martin or Caroo.
Again, is that weird?
A great example is Phil. You may have read some of Phil’s stories, columns or emails. He is a fictional character originally created by my brother Joel, but in later years taken over by me. His primary occupation used to be a email newsletter he called the “Periodical Newsletter of Fellow Fellows,” or PLoFF. He then proceeded to write a fantasy novel, articles for the GG, and is now the GG movie critic with his column “Movie Reviews from the Phil Philes.” He has his own personality, life story, quirks, and problems. He is very confident, naïve, impulsive, and oblivious to social norms and cues. He is also terrible at grammar and spelling. When I refer to Phil, I refer to him in the third person, because in my mind he is a completely different person than Joel or me.
More examples are my stuffed cats Martin and Morton. Martin was given to me for Christmas in 8th grade is a part of the Great Gardner Kitty Kitty Kitten Invasion of 1996. Despite being growing, tough teenagers, Joel and I created very involved characters for our cats (his is named Caroo). They are both slightly dim (Martin more than Caroo), conceited, impatient with humans, and also terrible at grammar as well as counting. Martin got so worn out that I had to get an identical one named Morton many years later. You would think Morton would take on the same personality as Martin, but he is different for some reason. He is more patient, smart, and reserved that Martin or Caroo.
Again, is that weird?
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