Editor's note: This article has been run through The Best of Times’s new non-partisan censorship machine.I sure am excited about the upcoming presidential election. That is because I am confident that [my presidential candidate of choice] is going to win the election.I like [my presidential candidate of choice] because he stands for [this particular item of political action] and is tired of the [certain type of political action] people like [a different politician] stand for. He wants to [engage in a certain political practice] as well, which I am all about because [a particular political situation] is in dire need of [a certain type of treatment] in order for [a certain part of the American public] to experience [a specific benefit]. I am sure that all members of the GG subscribership agree with me in thinking that [my presidential candidate of choice] possesses the [positive attribute], [specific type of personality], and [particular brand of character] necessary to excel as president of the United States. Join me in rocking the vote next week, and we will all come out as winners (except for [the presidential candidate I in no way support], of course)!
I think the time has come for all honest, free thinking individuals everywhere to admit to themselves and each other that the comic book character Superman isn’t actually all that cool.
Sure, he’s had his own comic book legacy, feature films, TV shows, cartoons, lunch boxes and underpants permeating the public subconscious for over 70 years. He’s one of the most recognizable fictional characters of all time and he’s made a lot of people a lot of millions of dollars.But did any of us stop to take into account the ridiculousness of his suit, the flatness of his character, and the ease at which he conquers the problems of the world?Most other superheroes have one or two special powers. They can walk turn invisible or walk through walls. Other superheroes (the coolest ones, in my opinion) have no superpowers at all – simply smarts and resources, like Batman and Iron Man. But Superman’s super powers? He’s faster than anyone, stronger than anyone, can fly, can blow freezing air, can melt anything with his eyes, and can see through anything.Oh, and he can’t die.Don’t sing me a song about lead and kryptonite, his supposed “weaknesses.” They’ve posed no real threat to him. In reality, Superman is a Superflat, Superbloated, Superboring character that needs to retire, Superfast.Stuff that in your stockings, Mr. Kent.
I just don’t know what to do about the young kids these days. I can hardly keep up with them, what with their You Tubes, Pokémons, Nintendo machines, and I don’t know what all. And their language! Sometimes I can hardly discern what they’re trying to say to one another, and that’s if their talking at all instead playing those god-awful computer games or huddled over their fancy little phone units.I’ve decided that the only way I might connect with the rising generation is by reach out to them. So my brother and I compiled this list of “hip” words we remember from our personal days as young teens. We’ve even divided them into categories for easy usage. My plan is to give these lists to some of these youngsters so they can understand how we used to speak, and perhaps even use them at the school carnival or swing choir practice themselves. That’s sure to make them the bee’s knees of their peer group, if not the toast of the town!EXCLAMATIONSoish! • booyah! • snap! • badical! • radical • dudical! • gnarly! • excellent! • bodacious! • boss! • tight! • for real! • sweet! • righteous! • aws (pronounced oss)! • solid! • hot! • smooth! • rockin! • jivin! • jammin! • swingin! • slammin! CONSTERNATIONSflip! • fetch! • fudge! • fuzz! • freak! • frick! • buggin! • whacked! • that sucks! • that blows! • that stinks! • that reeks! • that bites! • that eats! • bogus! • as if! • exsqueeze me? • spank you! • your mom! RETALIATIONSdon't go there! • oh no, you di'nt! • sike! • not! • whatever! • not even! • says you! • pu-lease! • kiss off! • grow a brain! • have a cow! • fine then!There now, wasn’t that a gas? So go ahead, if you’re young or old! Use my list and have a swell go of it! “Peace!”
You may notice that the "The Best of Times" is pink this month. That is because I am doing my part in honoring National Breast Cancer Awareness Month.As a member of the male gender, it might seem a little strange to hear me speak of this disease. But in truth, it is hard to find anyone that hasn't been affected, directly, or indirectly, by breast cancer. (It also a little known fact that, because the breast is composed of identical tissues in males and females, breast cancer also occurs in males. But incidences of breast cancer in men are approximately 100 times less common than in women.)In 2005, breast cancer caused 502,000 deaths worldwide, which was 7% of cancer deaths, and almost 1% of all deaths. While it will impossible to prevent every death until a cure is found, there are still things we can do to bring that number down. Women are much more likely to survive incidences of breast cancer if it is detected early. Every woman, from teenager to senior, should conduct a breast self-exam once a month. An easy-to-follow, printable guide on how to do so can be found at www.komen.org/bse.Also, do your part to make those around you more aware of breast cancer this month. Douse your website in pink, where a ribbon, or print on pink paper. A great step to prevention, detection, and a cure, is simple awareness.
Editor's note: This article has been run through The Best of Times’s new non-partisan censorship machine.
