It's Time to Admit That Superman Isn't That Cool

I think the time has come for all honest, free thinking individuals everywhere to admit to themselves and each other that the comic book character Superman isn’t actually all that cool.

Sure, he’s had his own comic book legacy, feature films, TV shows, cartoons, lunch boxes and underpants permeating the public subconscious for over 70 years. He’s one of the most recognizable fictional characters of all time and he’s made a lot of people a lot of millions of dollars.

But did any of us stop to take into account the ridiculousness of his suit, the flatness of his character, and the ease at which he conquers the problems of the world?

Most other superheroes have one or two special powers. They can walk turn invisible or walk through walls. Other superheroes (the coolest ones, in my opinion) have no superpowers at all – simply smarts and resources, like Batman and Iron Man. But Superman’s super powers? He’s faster than anyone, stronger than anyone, can fly, can blow freezing air, can melt anything with his eyes, and can see through anything.

Oh, and he can’t die.

Don’t sing me a song about lead and kryptonite, his supposed “weaknesses.” They’ve posed no real threat to him. In reality, Superman is a Superflat, Superbloated, Superboring character that needs to retire, Superfast.

Stuff that in your stockings, Mr. Kent.